After eleventy-hundred reminders not to stand (or otherwise act like a total spaz) on top of the plastic toilet seat lid, my six-year-old finally broke it. Although I had warned him for months about what could happen, he seemed genuinely shocked when it snapped off. I could tell he felt bad about it, and he quickly apologized.
A lot of parents ask me, “What is an appropriate punishment for (fill in the blank behavior)?”
Many are surprised when I explain that I rarely ever choose a punishment for my kids’ misbehavior, especially for first-time offenses. Whenever possible, I opt to allow natural consequences to play out, and try to let life be its own best teacher. A sincere apology, an attempt to “make it right,” and a succinct restating of expectations is almost always enough to teach my kids the lesson.
As a young parent, this “parenting without punishing” was a brand new concept for me. It certainly wasn’t how I was raised. When I messed up, I was typically spanked, lost a privilege, or was restricted from something fun the following weekend. I can very clearly remember several situations where I knew I had learned my lesson long before any punishment was administered. I wanted to please my parents, tried my very best to make good choices, and absolutely hated disappointing those around me. Why, when I already felt terrible and knew I wouldn't do it again, did my Dad feel that I also needed a spanking? It felt confusing, cruel, and totally unnecessary. Each time I was spanked, I felt the trust and connection with my Dad deteriorate.
After my son’s apology, I took a deep breath and said, “I forgive you. I was afraid this might happen. We were planning to go out for ice cream tonight, but instead we have to use that money for a new toilet seat.” He was disappointed, but he understood.
Now it was time for him to make it right. We decided together that this meant he’d figure out how to take it off, and then he’d have to ask the salesperson to help find a replacement that would fit. We double-bagged it in a Target bag (because gross!) and headed out to Home Depot.
He sheepishly walked up to the salesman, had to explain what happened (just as we had rehearsed in the van on the way. He was directed to a replacement seat that was the right shape and color. He and his big brother helped reinstall it when we got home.
That night before bed, he said, “Momma, I’m sorry about breaking the toilet, but tonight was actually fun!”
As I walked out, I doubted myself, “Wait, did he just say FUN?! I was way too easy on him! Punishment isn’t supposed to be fun! Did I just reward his bad behavior? Was this actually a parenting FAIL?”
I had to remind myself of my new commitment: in 100% of disciplinary situations, my connection to the child must be prioritized first, before the correction of the behavior. If he learned his lesson, made it right, AND felt closer to me at the end of the night, that is a BIG parenting WIN.
Heaping shame on him would have made him feel worse, and disproportionate or arbitrary punishment may have led him to lie or hide the next time he made a mistake or broke something. I didn’t make him pay for it because he isn’t exactly a saver, and the cost of the seat would have put him in the red. (Bankrupting him didn’t seem to fit the crime.)
Next time you’re racking your brain for the “right punishment,” pause and ask yourself whether your response will foster your connection with your kids or fracture it. Instead of shaming, grounding, or restricting, try a new approach. Accept an apology, teach a very brief lesson, set a clear expectation for next time, and then show grace and forgiveness. Can your child make it right in some way and then just put it behind them?
Try it out and let me know how it goes!
