“Parenting with ADHD: How I Learned to Stop Losing My $#!T”
(“Wait, is she being metaphorical or literal?”)
Well, in THIS post, I’m talking about losing my debit card, wallet, keys, glasses and…
… but don’t worry! In an upcoming post, I will discuss my equally-difficult struggle with “losing my $#!T” on an emotional level, especially with the kids.
Science tells us that when a neurotypical person sets an object down, something fires in their brain that creates a “mental marker” to remember where they put it. In that split second, they can also consider whether it is wise to put it there in the first place! (Does this drink need a coaster? Is it smart to set my shopping list down here in aisle 4?)
That’s not how my brain works. I have ADHD, and I “lose my $#!T”… a LOT. When I lay things down, nothing fires in my brain. More often, the act of releasing something from my hand doesn't even register in my mind. I’m holding the thing, and then I am not.
As a young kid, I lost my lunchbox and field trip forms. As a teen, it was my car keys, gym clothes, and assignment notebook. I was often late for school after searching for the thing I was JUST holding in my hand! It drove my parents crazy and made me feel stupid and embarrassed.
As an adult, I’d forget my work badge, leave my flat iron in the hotel room, lose the left earring of every pair, leave my drink cup all over the house, and have logged countless HOURS searching for my phone, passport, and car keys. It is one of the most discouraging aspects of life with a brain like mine.
So how do I overcome this (very frustrating) aspect of ADHD life?
While there are no fool-proof hacks, these tips have helped me keep up with my things:
1. Mental Checklist? Check!
Over time, I’ve taught myself to run through a mental checklist before leaving the house, heading to a store, etc. I pause to take a quick inventory of what I’m holding or carrying. I say aloud, to myself or to my kids and partner, “Okay, I’ve got my wallet, keys, sunglasses, the gift for the party, the shirt I’m returning…” When I am ready to head home, I go through the same routine to make sure I don’t leave anything behind.
2. Educate and Delegate:
It helps when your friends and family understand this aspect of your ADHD. My loved ones now understand that I’m not just careless or forgetful, and that I could really use their help keeping up with my things. I usually ask them to be in charge of important items like theater tickets, boarding passes, and the blinky disk that tells us our restaurant table is ready.
3. I Could Carry Less:
Whenever possible, I try to carry ONE thing. I prefer a work bag large enough to hold my laptop, work files, and purse contents. I used to try to juggle a separate lunch box, laptop bag, and purse to work each day and was much more likely to leave one of them behind. I travel with ONE carry-on, and it’s a backpack. If I’m heading to a potluck with a board game, potluck dish, and hostess gift, I carry it all in a big ol’ tote bag to keep it all together.
4. Wrist Straps:
My wallet, makeup bag, pool access card, and mailbox key, all have wrist straps. I’m far less likely to lay something down when it’s hanging from my wrist. Side benefit: it sometimes helps remind me what I was doing. (“Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be checking the mail!”)
5. Go BIG and Go Bright:
My purse is bright teal, and phone chargers are neon colors. I carry a big bright yellow wallet. This makes things both harder to lose, AND easier to find. My wallet has to be large enough to fit my phone inside. If I'm ever going to carry it into a store, I can zip the phone inside and, of course, carry it around my wrist.
6. Make Your Tech Work for YOU:
I use my Apple Watch to find my iPhone (many, many times per day.) I also have a TILE attached to my wallet, my keys, my son’s epipen pouch, and in my purse. You can even stick one to the back of your remote controls. I can locate the tiles using either Alexa, Apple Watch, or the TILE app on my phone. (I make a few cents if you buy them here.)
7. Simplify Your Check-out Processes:
Perhaps the most costly and cumbersome thing I have lost is my debit card. I used to take it out of my purse WAY too many times: to pay at the restaurant, the drive-thru, to pump gas, to place an online order… and just didn’t put it back. After cancelling it, I’d find it dropped down between the seats in my van or in the back pocket of the jeans I was wearing.
Key to Success: Drastically reduce the number of times you take it out of your wallet.
- Use Smart Pay options whenever possible (ApplePay, Paypal, etc.)
- Make it a point to get gas at places that have these SmartPay options.
- I now keep a separate low-balance debit card in my car that I use only for drive-through purchases. This is when I would lose it most often - placing it in the cupholder, etc.)
- When shopping online, I have my card info saved in my phone so I don’t take it out of my wallet.
- If you have a partner who can pay, ask if they will agree to be in charge of paying when you’re together. My partner handles the check-out process and I can ApplePay him my half before he even completes the transaction.
8. Flat Surfaces Aren’t for Storage:
I try to keep all flat surfaces in my house as cleared off as possible. It's hard to lose things on empty blank tables. Keeping a minimalist home is a matter of absolute necessity for me and my son to function well.
9. Label ALL the Things:
Assign and label a “home” for your most critical items (purse, keys, phone, badge) and let your family members know where they are. This speeds up cleaning and allows your family to help you out if they see items out of place. My partner knows it is an act of love to return my phone to its charger when he comes across it. If they see them, my kids support me by hanging my badge and keys on their labeled hooks. We’re a team, so I happily do the same for them.
10. Order Extras and Tie Things Down:
Spending too much time searching for the same items over and over? For us, it was chapstick, nail clippers, rolls of tape, scissors, and hair brushes. I finally just ordered several of each, then labeled where they belong. (Yep. I wrote “Mom’s nightstand” on the nail clippers.) This prevents us from relocating these items all over the house and wasting time searching for them. We even tied a hairbrush to the bathroom cabinet door so it no longer walks away. Hey, do whatever works for YOU!
I’ve worked for over fifteen years to create better habits and life hacks to navigate life with ADHD - and I still “lose my $#!T.” Often. Here’s the truth I’ve made peace with: I will ALWAYS have to work hard at this. When I set up a new system, my goal can never be a 100% success rate; that is just not a reasonable expectation. Instead, if an accommodation or life hack makes frustrating things happen less often, I consider that a success.
If you are an adult with ADHD, you and I will have to tweak our routines and processes over and over for the rest of our lives. As soon as one process works, our brains no longer find it interesting and it stops working. So, we create a new process. That’s the very nature of our neurology. In the meantime, I give myself grace and joke that I should leave a self-addressed stamped envelope everywhere I go, so they can send me whatever I’ve accidentally left behind.
I’m a Human Resources professional and single mother of three, and I’ve had ADHD (Inattentive type) for fifteen years. Well, I’ve had it my whole life, but like a lot of women, I struggled well into adulthood before I was diagnosed. (“You mean for all those years, I wasn’t just failing at life?!”) For so long, professional women kept their ADHD under wraps because of the stigma around it. I couldn’t find anyone online whose ADHD journey looked like mine. So, I decided to open up and become the public voice I had always needed. On my HR Mom Facebook page, I write and speak honestly about how we (my son and I) manage our daily #ADHDlife.
Link to: https://www.facebook.com/askHRmom
Link to: https://www.facebook.com/profile/100044325824943/search/?q=%23adhdlife
